RANT #5
Top Surgery Disasters
Jello Biafra is a nonbinary icon. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. In the interest of justifying this deeply ridiculous claim, I'll be outlining the 10 step process that got me to be the bi, butch, nonbinary, queer mess I am today.
One: The first time I bought CDs for myself was back in 2003. I had a solid $20 for the first time in my life due to a babysitting gig. I was 13, Catholic, and deeply confused about my sexuality. The gender shit came later.
Two: My best friend (who, coincidentally, turned out to be a trans man) had the first two Tony Hawk games. He still says he's the one who made me queer. Considering how I heard "Police Truck" and learned about Dead Kennedys at his house, he's kind of right in a roundabout way.
Three: I had just gotten a portable CD player for my birthday and wanted to stretch my money as far as possible. I went to the used CD section of Borders.
Four: This was a small-ish town in Wisconsin. I was going in blind. My only real requirements were a) it had to be rock and b) it couldn't be anything my dad already had on CD.
Five: I had already picked over my dad’s collection - mostly hair metal, arena rock, and a truly astounding number of Beatles albums - and at first glance the Borders used section looked like a carbon copy. Just throw in a BUNCH of easy listening and country. My standards were low.
Six: I went off anything that looked like rock and sounded vaguely familiar - so I wound up with Nirvana, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and, of course, Dead Kennedys.
I still have no idea what a copy of Plastic Surgery Disasters / In God We Trust, Inc. was doing in a used CD bin in a small town Wisconsin Borders. I'd say it was fate if it wasn't so completely weird.
Seven: I already had some idea what to expect from "Police Truck" - so I was willing to take everything about that album at face value. The music style, the lyrics, the vocals - I just sort of went with it, even if it was way weirder than any full album I'd listened to before.
Eight: To be honest, I liked Jello's vocals and especially his lyrics. For a kid who was barely through puberty, who was slowly growing more and more uncomfortable with the sexed-up, macho cock rock my dad liked, the idea that this album had no sex and a lead singer who seemed completely unconcerned with seeming cool or macho was incredibly appealing.
Nine: When I eventually came across some live footage of Jello performing, that idea was cemented in my mind. He was just so completely, unselfconsciously weird. Even better, the people around him seemed to be into it. I was weird and trying desperately to appear normal. I was struggling with trying to be feminine and cool and, above all, straight. It didn't take much for me to want to be Jello Biafra.
Ten: There are only so many times a weird, queer kid can listen to "Halloween" on repeat without relating far too hard. At first it was "what do you know you're pretty self-conscious too." It took some time, but I did eventually get to "why don't you take your social regulations, shove 'em up your ass?"
So, ok, maybe it wasn't just Plastic Surgery Disasters that made me queer. Maybe it wasn't a clear 10-item checklist but a lot of teenage flailing. But Dead Kennedys, Jello Biafra, and especially that album were a huge piece of the puzzle - and I was definitely listening to "Halloween" the first time I buzzed my hair as short as it could go and in the waiting room for my top surgery.
