RANT #7
RANT #7
I miss being on track
Summer 2020 was supposed to be MY summer.
I was 22. I was graduating college in May. I had already bought tickets for a trip to Europe during spring break. I was getting really into the underground music scene in my city. I was looking at internships for a publishing career. And then, right before spring break, everything shut down.
This is a really boring thing to rant about. There have been literally thousands of people who've written similar things - it's not like I'm alone in this. Bo Burnham put out a whole damn special - which, considering my love for Bo back in early high school, was obviously amazing.
But I miss being on track. I miss being able to make plans without constantly second-guessing myself and more often than not canceling them. I miss one night stands - since everything stopped, I haven't been able to get back into the swing of things. Don't even mention dating. I never managed to get a "real" career - all the internships dried up, and I found myself floating into a job that I don't like but gives me health insurance and even a pension. It's union. As long as I stay in it until I'm 65 I'll be okay.
I'm 25. I feel like I'm in a state of arrested development. I feel like I'm way too old to do all the things I half planned back when everything was sort of in equilibrium. I can't make friends, I can't keep the friends I used to have, I can't organize the end of bigotry and capitalism. I feel like if I open my mouth I'm going to say something so stupid I'll die.
I feel like I should be over this. Everything is more or less back to normal, and I should be too. But I can't make the dentist appointment I really need to because I hate the idea of breaking routine. I can't do anything creative, really creative, because I know for a fact that all I'll find is rejection. It's not like I have the motivation to finish shit anyways.
I'm probably depressed. Since 2020, both my sisters have gotten married and had at least one kid. It's a good thing that I always knew that I wasn't cut out for that sort of thing, a long term relationship, otherwise I might feel even worse than I do now.
I still want to write something amazing. A short story, a book, an audio drama, a play, it doesn't matter. But if I finish something, or even start something, it might upset the delicate balance I've found myself in. Fanfiction and shitty blog posts are easier - it's not like they'll affect anything, and sometimes I get a little validation.
I think about Philip K. Dick. He sold his first story when he was 22, but he didn't get real sci fi success until he was 35. He never got a huge amount of money during his lifetime. An underappreciated genius, obviously, but he also actually wrote. I still can't do that, and with how much I have to work and my complete lack of drug connections it's not like I can take speed until I make something worth anything.
I don't even use my free time productively. It's much easier to vegetate.
This isn't a proper rant. When I made this site, I told myself that it would be about semi-important shit. Something like those blogs I liked when I was like 12 - they had a theme, a drive. I don't even have a car, so where the fuck is my drive supposed to come from?
